# :(



## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

Can't believe I'm even posting this here. Haven't even picked up my camera in a while. So sick of being accused of "neglecting my family" for photography. Things have been rough lately, but logged on here to look at all the flower photos I could....even if they were bad. Needed a lift. My mom gave me this. It is 38 years old when she went through a bad relationship with a control freak. If you can't make out the text, it says "Freedom to be yourself, here & now." This is the best gift I do believe i have ever gotten. Vent session over.


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## 2WheelPhoto (Apr 12, 2012)

Nice!


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## Bitter Jeweler (Apr 12, 2012)

Ugh. Who pulled that number on you?  :/


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

I took that photo, but there is a shadow bugging me to the right.  It is old puter (If i even spelled that right) and needs to be polished.  Kinda cool though, it is 38 years old and given to my mom, which she gave to me.  I love it.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

Bitter Jeweler said:


> Ugh. Who pulled that number on you? :/



My husband.  It's not just photography.....his expectation list is impossible.  We are getting some help.


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## Bitter Jeweler (Apr 12, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. Glad you are getting help.

I've been in a controlling relationship like that. Not fun.

I am a free spirit. If you can't go with my flow, then it's you who needs to go. That's what I learned.

Now I have been married for 11.5 years to someone who embraces and encourages me.

I hope you work things out. :hugs:


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

Bitter Jeweler said:


> Sorry to hear that. Glad you are getting help.
> 
> I've been in a controlling relationship like that. Not fun.
> 
> ...



I hope things work out too. I left here last week. I am a free spirit too.


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## BlackSheep (Apr 12, 2012)

luvmyfamily said:


> I took that photo, but there is a shadow bugging me to the right.  It is old puter (If i even spelled that right) and needs to be polished.  Kinda cool though, it is 38 years old and given to my mom, which she gave to me.  I love it.



Don't polish it, I get the impression that it's earned it's dirt (AKA wrinkles/smile lines/grey hairs/scars/you name it); it's symbolic of wisdom gained, no?

As for the rest of what you're talking about, the best advice I ever got was - follow your gut, plain & simple. Good luck no matter which way you end up heading.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

Yeah, I guess polishing something that old would make it lose it's wisdom   I love it no matter what it looks like.  My mom is the one who suggested I polish it, since she gave it to me.


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## o hey tyler (Apr 12, 2012)

Does your husband not have any hobbies or recreational activities he enjoys?


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## Rgollar (Apr 12, 2012)

I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 12, 2012)

o hey tyler said:


> Does your husband not have any hobbies or recreational activities he enjoys?



I wish he liked photography!!!  lol!  He enjoys woodworking, anything water.  We have a place at the lake, and boat and he is an awesome water skier, but that is a summer thing.  His job is stressful, his excuse is "I don't have time."  He wants to flip houses, he put an offer on a flipper but got outbid.  I was right there to support him and told him that wasn't the only house.  After his expectation list recently, I felt as if I needed to unscrew all the lightswitch plates in the house and soak them all in pinesol.....then scrub the pipe that goes from the toilet to the wall. So much to the story, hope the therapy helps us.


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## jowensphoto (Apr 13, 2012)

Best of luck dear. I've been there too.


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## Mach0 (Apr 13, 2012)

Best of luck.


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## Trever1t (Apr 13, 2012)

Pewter. Don't polish it. Stay positive. Bitter nailed it.


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## snowbear (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope it works out for you (and him).  I think the shot is fine as it is, and no, don't polish it.


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## jwbryson1 (Apr 13, 2012)

Keep your chin up cowgirl.  Anything worth keeping is worth the price of admission.  :hug::


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## NE-KID (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope you guys feel better! Going through hard relationships sucks but we all learn from the bad so we can learn to make it through with the good life. Nice flower.


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## dhjallboyz (Apr 13, 2012)

Love the photo! I'm sorry you guys are going through this again  Call me if you want to chat! <3 you!


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## Demers18 (Apr 14, 2012)

I wish you all the best and hope everything works out!

Wife and I are going through major changes right now too and can relate.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 17, 2012)

We are in therapy, things have been quiet lately, but silence is golden.  I am hoping for the best.  Thank you all. We have kids and i want nothing more than to get these kinks worked out.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 17, 2012)

Trever1t said:


> Pewter. Don't polish it. Stay positive. Bitter nailed it.


  I'm not going to polish it   I love it just the way it is


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## NE-KID (Apr 18, 2012)

How you feeling so far are you guys making progress? Remember chin up and smile the best you can!


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## Vtec44 (Apr 19, 2012)

It's kind of strange that when I'm down, photography keeps my mind sane.  I hope everything works out with you and the family.  I have kids too so I know how that goes.


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## Bend The Light (Apr 19, 2012)

It's hard when you are expected to do certain things. In my case, I do feel guilty sometimes that photography is a major thing for me now. I have a little studio where I practice, and I have camera club, etc. My mum sowed the seed of "What about your family?" and it is still there, although I don't go to the studio until the kids are in bed, and I have taken the kids there for photos etc. And my eldest (aged 6) is a keen photograpger now, too. But I still feel the guilt.

But the wife is good, and although she is not always happy that I am going out, she doesn't detract from it...she handed out cards/adverts or my little studio to people she sees in the day at playgroups etc. She is supportive. I wish she enjoyed photography, too...

Anyway, I waffle, and my situation is NOTHING like yours, I know. But as the others have said, chin up, and really hope it works for you and your family, whichever way it goes.

BW


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 23, 2012)

Bend The Light said:


> It's hard when you are expected to do certain things. In my case, I do feel guilty sometimes that photography is a major thing for me now. I have a little studio where I practice, and I have camera club, etc. My mum sowed the seed of "What about your family?" and it is still there, although I don't go to the studio until the kids are in bed, and I have taken the kids there for photos etc. And my eldest (aged 6) is a keen photograpger now, too. But I still feel the guilt.
> 
> But the wife is good, and although she is not always happy that I am going out, she doesn't detract from it...she handed out cards/adverts or my little studio to people she sees in the day at playgroups etc. She is supportive. I wish she enjoyed photography, too...
> 
> ...



That is wonderful that you get support!  I catch 10 tons of crapola for spending time on photography and accused of neglecting my family.  Um....i still keep the house clean and dinner gets on the table every night.  Thought things were going better....nope.  I decided to be myself, ignoring his snide remarks when I do photography and he can really KMA....


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## Bitter Jeweler (Apr 23, 2012)

That is not love.


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## proberok (Apr 23, 2012)

Try counseling. Helps a ton. Sit him
Down and let him know how much you love your family and photography. Tell him you need to be happy. Cause we all know if a chic isn't happy, no ones happy.


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## pgriz (Apr 23, 2012)

For some people, control is more important than love and partnership.  Partnership is based on respect, trust and shared goals.  In a controlling relationship, trust and respect are absent, and are replaced by a power dynamic.  Power tends to be one-way, non-equal, possessive, and abusive.  Replacing the power relationship with a trusting one, requires sharing,  letting go,  a two-way conversation, a willingness to respect other points of view.   If the people in a relationship are not used to this, then there is a lot of hard work ahead, to learn how to talk, to trust, to accept differences.  I have no idea if that's the dynamic in your situation, but if it is, you'll need strength, patience, and self-assurance.  Hopefully you have all that and can see this thing through.


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## lauraxlovegood (Apr 23, 2012)

I wish you luck!  That is absolutely stunning and inspirational.  I love it <3


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 23, 2012)

pgriz said:


> For some people, control is more important than love and partnership. Partnership is based on respect, trust and shared goals. In a controlling relationship, trust and respect are absent, and are replaced by a power dynamic. Power tends to be one-way, non-equal, possessive, and abusive. Replacing the power relationship with a trusting one, requires sharing, letting go, a two-way conversation, a willingness to respect other points of view. If the people in a relationship are not used to this, then there is a lot of hard work ahead, to learn how to talk, to trust, to accept differences. I have no idea if that's the dynamic in your situation, but if it is, you'll need strength, patience, and self-assurance. Hopefully you have all that and can see this thing through.



His control has gotten worse over the years.  I am no dishmat wife, so we are like oil and water sometimes because I fight back when he makes stabs at me.  We don't have trust issues, but respect maybe.  If you google controlling husband, he has probably 90% of the symptoms.  He goes on rages, (can't believe I'm putting this on here) has punched holes in walls, doors, creamed at me an inch away from my face, never hit me though.  I can't do anything to make him happy....no matter if he got $ex 8 times a day, I kept the house anal retentively cleaned.....there would still be something! We are in therapy, I have spoken to my therapist alone and he is going through a process to help him realize this.  I have already left twice, im tired of running, haven't been spending much time on photography lately, becoming depressed, sleeping more...this is just not me.  A lot of women do not know the signs of controlling emotional abuse, they think it's just the guy being a jerk.  He got onto me the other day because the garage was a mess and the laundry room was a mess. I left over the weekend, came back because my kids go to school here. While I was gone, he anal retentively cleaned the exact things he got onto me for.....told my therapist that today and he said he did that to make me feel worthless.  Trying a new tactic.  I will only take so much more.....this is exhausting...


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 23, 2012)

I also suggested time apart....he won't go...


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## rgregory1965 (Apr 23, 2012)

I just read this thread...I wish you the best of luck....It can be hard sometimes, I dont really have any advise other than keep strong. I have only read one side of the story and there is always two.


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## Bitter Jeweler (Apr 23, 2012)

Yeah, I am sure there is more than one side of the story as well.

But there is no reason to force something that isn't there.


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## luvmyfamily (Apr 23, 2012)

Bitter Jeweler said:


> Yeah, I am sure there is more than one side of the story as well.
> 
> But there is no reason to force something that isn't there.



Yes, 2 sides to every story, but wow, I am emotionally beat down.  Trying to come out of it and get back to my happy bubby free spirited, singing in the car self


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## Mrgiggls (Apr 29, 2012)

Life is way too short to spend it trying to engineer someone elses happiness at your own expense.  

I'm not saying there is blame to be laid for unhappiness on anyone's part here, but if it's not there and you are stressing yourself into tears trying to manufacture it then that fact needs to be looked at seriously.

I will be following this thread and wishing you a happier times.


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## Kerbouchard (Apr 29, 2012)

Life sucks and then you die.

When I read your first post, I was kind of like, 'who cares'.  As I am reading your later posts, I have changed my mind.  This sounds like a situation you need to get out of.  It's tough.  It will be hard.  Honestly, it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done.  Leaving the familiarity and 'somewhat' security is scary, but if you are unhappy there is no reason to try to keep it going.

I am sure there are two sides to this story, but that doesn't really matter.  Sometimes, two people just don't click.  That's why there are about 6 billion others out there.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I could see my wife posting the exact same things you are posting.  Basically, an identical story, but we are happily married.  Like I said, sometimes two people just don't click.  And in the grand scheme of things, that is all that matters.

Do what is right for you and your kids.


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## luvmyfamily (May 5, 2012)

Kerbouchard said:


> Life sucks and then you die.
> 
> When I read your first post, I was kind of like, 'who cares'. As I am reading your later posts, I have changed my mind. This sounds like a situation you need to get out of. It's tough. It will be hard. Honestly, it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done. Leaving the familiarity and 'somewhat' security is scary, but if you are unhappy there is no reason to try to keep it going.
> 
> ...



Nothing any better.  I tried to get out with some friends yesterday for a bit, and before I left, he turned all the wedding photos down.  Does things just to hut me purposely.  Switching therapists, found out we have a quack that was using NLP "neuro linguistic programming" on us, hipnotic crap.  I call it mind F'ing. We got worse while under his care. He was also using inappropriate words while in a session alone with me that i am not allowed to say on here.  Anyway, switching and still hoping for the best.


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## Mach0 (May 5, 2012)

Sometimes, the best thing is to count your blessings, and part ways.


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## IByte (May 5, 2012)

Stay strong lil lady things will work out.


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## snowbear (May 6, 2012)

We're pulling for you.


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## Dominantly (May 6, 2012)

From what you've said so far, I would say get out.

He sounds like he has some real issues, maybe even some at the sociopath level.

It's always best to think a few steps ahead, especially if it keeps you off the news.


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## elizabethysmom (May 6, 2012)

After reading all that he has done it seems that it may be time for you to leave. If you don't do it for yourself do it for your kids who are watching him treat you like this. Do you have family you can stay with for support?


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## luvmyfamily (May 6, 2012)

Ok, I am not taking up for him nor his actions, but we have been together for 16 years, have had many great times, it just seems the control has gotten worse each year.  I reeally have faith that therapy can help.  I think the reason we argue so much is he tries to control me, and I don't take it, so that makes oil and water.  All has been quiet since i told him I had the police on speed dial and if he yelled or screamed at me in front of the kids anymore, I'm dialing!  Now, he is doing quiet things to get to me like turning over the wedding photos when I was going to get out for a bit with friends.  This has been a 9 week long fight between us, and throw a quack therapist on top of it!  When he is not angry, he treats me like a queen.  The problem here, is that I am always the one who says I'm sorry for something I didn't do.....and I'm not budging this time because I am using tough love to teach him he can't do this again.  Doesn't look like he is budging yet either, however he is willing to go to therapy with speaks volumes.  I can't just leave someone after 16 years, when I know there is hope.  I am fine, going on about my business.  I DO think we need time apart, just waiting for school to get out for the kids and I can go stay with family for a while.  Leaving seems to be the only thing that works to get his head out of his azz.  Last thing he wants is to lose me. He treats our son like GOLD.  It's just me he takes it out on.  If you google controlling and emotional abuse, there is a cycle, which i am determined to STOP, or, YES, I am gone!!!


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## HughGuessWho (May 6, 2012)

Passive aggressive behavior is hard to deal with. Their defense is always "what? I just turned the pictures over. You are over reacting". And if they are I denial, its near impossible for a counselor to deal with them. You're in a tough spot my friend. Hang in there and do what's best for you. He sure isn't going to.


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## Mach0 (May 6, 2012)

To be honest sweetie, I've seen your case a lot of times. All of warnings are there. Be smart. Don't wait till its too late. Don't be like others and stick around.  Don't get me wrong, therapy can help. IMHO, part ways. If it was meant to be, he will come back after getting help. I know there's two sides to the story but I stand by it being too risky for you and the kids right now.


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## Dominantly (May 6, 2012)

It'll work itself out one way or another, always does.

Having to mention you have the police on speed dial is comforting.


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## pgriz (May 6, 2012)

Every couple changes over time.  That is both normal and natural.  However, if the two don't change at the same pace, and in the same general direction, then it is quite possible to grow apart even with the best of intentions.  To keep that distance bridgeable, both need to talk, share their expectations and views, share activities, and compromise.  The latter is a dirty word in some circles, but it is a necessary thing - good if both do it, not so good if it's always the same person doing the compromising.  Shared history is a good basis for a relationship, but going forward, there has also to be evolution.  My wife does things with me that she'd not be that interested in otherwise (think visiting certain places or doing sports), but she does it to make me happy, and I do the same with her (think movies, museums, antique shops), because I enjoy her company and making her happy also makes me happy.  We're also OK spending time apart from each other - we're fully independent people who choose to be together.  How long will our relationship last?  Who knows?  It's been going on for 36 years now, and I'm hoping it's good for another 30.  But it does take constant work and effort from both of us.  Good, strong relationships happen effortlessly only in fairy tales.  I hope both of you rediscover the good you saw in each other and that you and your husband figure out how to rebuild the trust and nurture the support.  But in the end, it does take two to tango.


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## luvmyfamily (May 6, 2012)

Dominantly said:


> It'll work itself out one way or another, always does.
> 
> Having to mention you have the police on speed dial is comforting.



I do, in case he goes on some screaming rage.  We are in the "not speaking" mode now.


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