# Corry's Joke of the Day Thread



## Corry

...at least I'll TRY and come up with a joke everyday!  Feel free to add your own jokes. :mrgreen:

Joke for Today

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their 
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the 
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. 

Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.


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## mentos_007

::scratch:


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## Digital Matt

Hehehe...

Mentos, here in the US, (I don't know about other countries), you can go to a store and fill out a gift registry, which is gifts you would like to get, and then when people buy you wedding presents, you tell them to go to this store, and they can see what other people have bought already, and make sure you get something you want, but not what someone else bought.

Ugg, make sense now?


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## mrsid99

In my case that jokes too close to home!


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## Corry

Hmmm...not finding a lot of really funny ones today, but I'll post this one for now...and keep trying to find a really good one.  

Acquiring a taste for peppermint?


> Taste like peppermint
>
>
> A farmer goes to the bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan is
> made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
> the bull is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass
> and won't even look at a cow. The banker suggests that he have a
> veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week the banker returns to
> see if the vet helped.
>
> The farmer looks very pleased. "The bull has serviced ALL of my cows!
> He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my NEIGHBOR'S cows!
> He's serviced just about everything in sight. He's like a
> machine!"
>
> "WOW," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"
>
> "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
>
> "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
>
> "I don't know really know," said the farmer. "But they kind of taste
> like peppermint


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## Corry

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" 

"Just a couple minutes ago."


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## mrsid99

Thanks Corry, I needed that!


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## Corry

One more for now (I'll be at my boyfriend's for the next few days, and the internet doesn't always work...I might not be able to get online!...so these'll hold ya over!)

An oldie, but a goodie...

There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" 

Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven." 

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...." 

Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?" 

"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe. 

Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" 

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." 

"Gimme the good news first," says Ken. 

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." 

Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" 

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


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## Alison

Cute jokes! Here's one someone posted on my pregnancy forum:

A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.

The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!"

The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"

The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"

The nurse replied, "Denephew!"


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## Corry

AlisonPower said:
			
		

> Cute jokes! Here's one someone posted on my pregnancy forum:
> 
> A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.
> 
> The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!"
> 
> The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"
> 
> The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"
> 
> The nurse replied, "Denephew!"



I've heard that one...it's hilarious!


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## Corry

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell,
which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty
and quiet.

Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone
and scared and yelled at the top of her voice
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far
away......................





"We're down here ...."


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## Rob

What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?      

.
.
.
.


Someday my prints will come...


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## Corry

robhesketh said:
			
		

> What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?
> 
> .
> .
> .
> .
> 
> 
> Someday my prints will come...




lmao at both the joke, and your title!


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## Corry

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement
home with her fist clenched above her head.

"The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have sex
with me tonight," she announces to the room.

An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an
elephant."

Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!"
Reply With Quote


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## kilifila66

Here comes the most nonsensical joke ever (by the way is it odd to anyone else the sensical is not a word and nonsensical is?):

Two monkeys are sitting in the bathtub
One monkey looks at the other monkey and says "Pass me the soap"
The other monkey says" What do I look like, a radio?"


This comes from the old Ice Cream Doesn't have Wheels franchise and is equally intertaining to tell intoxicated friends.


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## mrsid99

Two Arab parents are sitting in a Gaza bar chatting over a couple of glasses of fermented goats milk.
 Fairly soon the wonderful ambience and the goats milk gets them reminiscing and one pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through his family pictures.

 "This is my handsome oldest son Mohammed.......he's a martyr."

 " This is my wonderful second son Habib........he too is a martyr."

 " This is my  wonderful daughter Fatimah.......she also is a martyr."

  After a pause and a deep sigh the second Arab says wistfully; "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"


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## Corry

Sid...that's so terrible!  (yet somehow I can't stop laughing!)


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## mentos_007

Digital Matt said:
			
		

> Hehehe...
> 
> Mentos, here in the US, (I don't know about other countries), you can go to a store and fill out a gift registry, which is gifts you would like to get, and then when people buy you wedding presents, you tell them to go to this store, and they can see what other people have bought already, and make sure you get something you want, but not what someone else bought.
> 
> Ugg, make sense now?




buahahahaha now yes  hahaha thank you for explanation


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## Corry

Codeword For Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter".

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."


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## Corry

Little boy
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?


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## leewald

LOL.    call me slow or whatever, but I had to read the last paragraph twice before it clicked.


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## mentos_007

oh Corry the typewriter is .. .. I can't stop laughing  but I still don't get the one with kicking a cat...


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## Corry

mentos_007 said:
			
		

> oh Corry the typewriter is .. .. I can't stop laughing  but I still don't get the one with kicking a cat...



Check your pm!


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## mentos_007

hahahaha thank you for explanaion  oh... now I see that I have a lot to learn as far as your language is concerned


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## Andrea K

hmm can u help me out with the cat one


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## Mitica100

_An old Italian man lived alone in the country. __He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
_
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

_A few days later he received a letter from his son:_

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES. 
Love Vinnie


_At __4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left._

_That same day the old man received another letter from his son:_

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 

Love Vinnie


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## mentos_007

hahah what an inteligent son


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## PlasticSpanner

Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?


Mostly the taste.


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## Corry

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."


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## mentos_007

hhaha that's great too 
but who is "Amish boy" ?? from which country?? I'm just curious...


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## Corry

Here...I can't explain it myself really, so here is a link to an encyclopedia definition.

http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Amish


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## ferny

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.





What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?

Moooove.






What did the farmer say to the cow wearing sunglasses who was on his roof?

Nothing, he didn't recognise him.





What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's finger.





Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?


Think about that last one.....


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## Corry

ferny said:
			
		

> Why did the chicken cross the playground?
> 
> To get to the other slide.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?
> 
> Moooove.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What did the farmer say to the cow wearing sunglasses who was on his roof?
> 
> Nothing, he didn't recognise him.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What's green and smells of pork?
> 
> Kermit's finger.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Knock, knock.
> Who's there?
> I eat mop.
> I eat mop who?
> 
> 
> Think about that last one.....



Those last two were SOOO NAUGHTY!  :lmao:


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## Corry

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.  Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.  So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator!  Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.  She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to
me all of these years?  You better explain yourself!" The husband looks
her straight in the eyes and says
calmly:  "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."


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## Meysha

OOOoooohhhhhhhhhh. Someone's in trouble now!

hehehe these are all so great!


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## jstuedle

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS  

  A man came home from work, sat down in his 
favorite chair, turned  on the TV, and said to his 
wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it  starts." 

  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. 
When he  finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me 
another beer. It's gonna  start." 

  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him 
a beer. When  it was gone, he said, "Quick, another 
beer, it's gonna start any  second." 

  "That's it!" She blows her top, "You S.O.B.! You 
waltz in here,  flop your fat butt down, don't even 
say hello to me and then expect me  to run around 
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and 
clean and wash and iron all day long?" 

  The husband sighed. "Oh hell, it's started.


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## jstuedle

Little Mary

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its
size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


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## Corry

Poor little Mary!


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## jstuedle

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. 
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because 
He wanted to encourage them. 
Give them a little something to help them keep going. 

Do you know what the E-mail said? 












Just wondering, I didn't get one either......................


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## mentos_007

the one with Mary is cool 
ehh I didn't get this e-mail too


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## PlasticSpanner

jstuedle said:
			
		

> A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
> 
> A man came home from work, sat down in his
> favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his
> wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
> 
> She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
> When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me
> another beer. It's gonna start."
> 
> This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
> a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another
> beer, it's gonna start any second."
> 
> "That's it!" She blows her top, "You S.O.B.! You
> waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even
> say hello to me and then expect me to run around
> like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
> clean and wash and iron all day long?"
> 
> The husband sighed. "Oh hell, it's started.


 
You should try this for real!  One of those few jokes that actually work!


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## Corry

Warning..slightly racy...(but really funny!)


















Sign Language

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.




"What? What was that?"







"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."


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## jstuedle

*Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a Different 
state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.



Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.



"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"



A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.



"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" *



*Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out*


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## mentos_007

buahahah the ast one is soo funny  I didn't know that Florida doesn't like New Yorkers


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## Corry

mentos_007 said:
			
		

> buahahah the ast one is soo funny  I didn't know that Florida doesn't like New Yorkers




I think its just because Florida is...a retirement state.  Many northerners move there when they retire (or move to Arizona).


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## mentos_007

uuu that's why my gradma's brother lives there although there is very hot... he is 85


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## Alison

The Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom
of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,
That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".


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## doenoe

3 wealthy man are sitting at the bar. Then one says: I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds. One of the other guys says: you gave her a car? Then the first man says: "yes i gave her a yellow porsche. Goes great with her blonde hair" 
The second guy says: I gave my girlfriend that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds" The first guy says: you must have given her a ferrari...........thats the fastest car. Im sure of it" The second man replies: "you are correct, i gave her a nice red ferrari. She look great in it, with her red hair"
Then the third guy says: "I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds" The first man says: " This cant be, the ferrari is the fastest car out there"
Then the third man replies: "Who said i was talking about a car............I gave her a scale"


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## jstuedle

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship. "And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"  said  the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how <>great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years. "Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket  there  and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"  stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front  of  her  wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and  asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,  "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!???


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## Corry

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy takes his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.


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## mentos_007

oh no Corry the last one is very cruel


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## jstuedle

The Parrot

    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

 "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

     The owner looked at her and said,  "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says 
some pretty vulgar stuff."

     The  woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.  She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room 
and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, 
New madam."

     The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 
"that's really not so bad."

     When  her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, "New  house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a 
bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how 
and where the parrot had been raised.

     Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.  The 
bird looked at him and said, "Hi,  Keith."


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## Mitica100

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."



BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


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## ferny

They were trying to come up with a name for a new pub. "The Queens Arms"? Nah. "The Queens Tavern"? Nah. "The Queens Legs"? Bingo!

On the opening day there is a big queue outside waiting to get in. An old man with a dog stops and asks what's going on. "Oh, we're all queue here because we're gasping and waiting for the Queens Legs to open" was the reply.



Slightly edited because.... I was told that by a nine year old girl on the bus today. :shock:


----------



## jstuedle

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add 
 emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

 The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

 The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the 
 following results:

 The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

 The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

 Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

 Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from

this demonstration?



 A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have 
 worms!"

 Don't you just love little old ladies??


----------



## Corry

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris on that plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to 
show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


----------



## scoob

lol, thats a good one


----------



## Corry

Confession
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No ****?!? What happened
next?'"


----------



## Corry

Top 20 ways to say
"Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?



AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.


----------



## Rod-UK

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. 

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. 

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!" 

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection. 

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?" 




_____________________


----------



## Rod-UK

Chinese Proverbs 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. 
Man who run in front of car get tired. 
Man who run behind car get exhausted. 
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 
Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. 
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs. 
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 
Crowded elevator smell different to midget. 



______________________


----------



## doenoe

A newly wed couple moves into a new neighbourhood. They get to know the neighbours, an old couple who have been together for a long time, and the young couple get invited to eat there.
The evening went by and the young man noticed that the old man calls his wife my dove, pumpkin, sweetheart and all those nicknames.
The 2 women went to the kitchen to clean up a bit. Then the young man said: "I cant believe that after all those yours of being married you still give your wife nicknames all of the time"
Then the old man replied: "Thats just because i forgot her name"


----------



## airgunr

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.  He wanted a new truck.  She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.  And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending


----------



## airgunr

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talkin. One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the Moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida?"


----------



## Andrea K

there's a new bumper sticker out for the 2008 election. it goes 'Run Hilary Run' and it has multiple uses: democrats put it on theyre back bumper and republicans put it on the front

a man went to his doctor and picked up some viagra. the pill was huge and when he swallowed it, it got stuck in his throat...now he has a stiff neck.

a duck walks into a drug store and asks the clerk "do you have any chapstick?" the clerk replies "yes" and the duck responds "ok great, you can just put it on my bill."


----------



## jstuedle

THIS IS FOR LADIES (FEMALES) ONLY!!!!
(MY WIFE JUST HAD TO SEND IT TO ME!!!)

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (Her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom.
Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special Occasions"
(her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, My folks were
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner.
Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top.
I had even tucked in the tails so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"


----------



## Corry

Small penis 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about
his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your
father."


----------



## Corry

Cat Diary 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts Taken From A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 -My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and themild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 -Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 -Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 -Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what agood little cat I was. Hmmm.... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 -I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such aliquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 -There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 -I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akinto molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.

Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.................


----------



## Artemis

HAHAHHA!


----------



## jstuedle

AP and UPI reported that the French  Government announced yesterday that it  has raised its terror alert level from "run" to  "hide."  
The only two higher  levels in France are "surrender" and  "collaborate."   
The raise was  precipitated by the recent fire which  destroyed one of France's white flag factories  virtually disabling their  military. 
Additional reports indicate that the French now  have numerous small arms for sale, the quality of these firearms is near 
perfect, having never been fired and only dropped  once.


----------



## Corry

Hahaha..I posted that one already (though not in this thread).  It's a good one, isn't it?


----------



## jstuedle

Cory, you must know them all! I just received that one in my email. Hmmmm....... back to the boards.


----------



## photogoddess

On second thought... DON'T try these at home... 
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting 
someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. 

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. 
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. 
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. 

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. 

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


----------



## Andrea K

i got these off a website i found:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Not your average children's books
'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

Old Rooster 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire." 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" 

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." 

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month." 

Moral of the story...
Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!


----------



## airgunr

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day.  The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"  The American said, "We were the first on the Moon!"  The Blonde said, "So what?  We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun you idiot!  You'll burn up!" said the Russian.  To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.  We're going at night!"

(an old one but a favorite....)


----------



## Corry




----------



## airgunr

_Ok, this one is bad but....._

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the clerk for an inflatable doll.   " Would would you like male or female,"  asked the clerk. 

"Female, please," said the man.    

"Would you like black or white," said the clerk.

"White, please," said the man.

"Would you like Christian or Muslim," said the clerk.

This question confused the man, so, he asked the clerk, "What does religion have to do with an inflatable doll?" 

"Well, " Explained the clerk, "The Muslim blows itself up."


----------



## jstuedle

*A Michigan family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes son?"*

*"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".*

*The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"*

*Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"*

*"Yes son?"*

*"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".*

*The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"*

*About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"*

*The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."*

*"Good son, what is it?"*

*The son replies, "I've only been an Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan bastards."*


----------



## jstuedle

What is a Cat? 

 Cats do what they want.  They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone.  When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim.  They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. 

 Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. 
 ***** 

 What is a Dog? 

 Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy.  When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.  They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. 

 Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.


----------



## jstuedle

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?  





Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 



Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 


Rottweiler: Make me. 



Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation. 


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! 


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in  the dark. 


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there..... 


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 


Seal point persian: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" 
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.


----------



## Corry

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and
says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the
wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around
the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping
the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in
heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets
toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high
wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the
second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He
takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he
successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it
works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony -
plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time
turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."


----------



## Corry

Do Not Talk To My Parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


----------



## Corry

Female cop and a drunk
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "Tits."


----------



## Corry

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
>Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
>
>Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
>A: No, 35 children is enough.
>
>Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
>A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
>
>Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
>A: Childbirth.
>
>Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
>borderline irrational.
>A: So what's your question?
>
>Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
>pressure. Is she right?
>A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
>
>Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
>A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
>
>Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
>labor?
>A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
>
>Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
>A: Yes, pregnancy.
>
>Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
>A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
>
>Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
>normal again?
>A: When the kids are in college.
>
>10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
>
>1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
>2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
>3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
>4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
>5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
>says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
>
>6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
>7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
>8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
>9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
>10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
>
>TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
>10. Cats' facial expressions.
>9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
>8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
>7. Fat clothes.
>6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
>5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
>4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
>3. Eyelash curlers.
>2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
>AND the Number One thing only women understand:
>
>1. OTHER WOMEN


----------



## JonMikal

*phone rings*

(childs voice whispering) 'hello'

'may i speak to your mother please?'

(whispering) 'she's busy'

'may i speak to your father?'

(whispering) 'he's busy'

'is there anyone else there?'

(whispering) 'yes, a policeman and fireman'

'then may i speak to the police officier?'

(whispering) 'he's busy'

'well, how about the fireman?'

(whispering) 'he's busy too'

'son, what on earth is everyone doing?'

(whispering) 'looking for me'


----------



## jstuedle

'son, what on earth is everyone doing?'

(whispering) 'looking for me' 

Absolutely priceless!


----------



## meotter

Q: how do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: lighter fluid & a match

Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: wanna ride bikes?


----------



## Corry

meotter said:
			
		

> Q: how do you make a cat go "woof"?
> A: lighter fluid & a match
> 
> Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A: wanna ride bikes?


----------



## jstuedle

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum.

"The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks  will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true".

At this the Greek thinks he's won and starts raising his hands in victory.

But, the Italian interrupted,  "It was the Italians who introduced it to women!"


----------



## Mitica100

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.  The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check and I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I had?"


----------



## meotter

a married couple are driving down a country road and they're arguing as a married couple does.

Neither of them want to relent on their point, but as they're rounding a corner, the wife screams PIG!

well, that's all the husband can take and he glares at the wife and yells,  *****!!!

then they hit a pig in the road


----------



## Corry

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. 

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. 

"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. 

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


----------



## Corry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful 
blue-green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. 

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond


----------



## Corry

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service... the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/ County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
Shazam !
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. Have a wonderfull day and I hope you are now as enlightend as I am!


----------



## Corry

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
>
>-----------------------
>
>Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
>walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
>that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
>erection every time I saw her?"
>
>"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
>"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
>
>"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
>"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
>I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
>leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
>
>"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
>her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
>
>"And what happened then?"
>
>"I kicked her in the face."


----------



## Corry

Just heard a little kid tell this joke on TV, but I thought it was cute...


Did you hear about the kidnapping in New York?














Well, he woke up about 4 o'clock!


----------



## Artemis

core_17 said:
			
		

> Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
> >
> >-----------------------
> >
> >Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
> >walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
> >that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
> >erection every time I saw her?"
> >
> >"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
> >"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
> >
> >"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
> >"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
> >I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
> >leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
> >
> >"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
> >her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
> >
> >"And what happened then?"
> >
> >"I kicked her in the face."



Thats just mean...girls will never understand a mans..plight...is that how you spell it?


----------



## jstuedle

*

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

​​​"Damn Al, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it," Al replies.

What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say goodbye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Al asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Al, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

Crisco?!?" Al exclaimed, "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"
​
*


----------



## Corry

I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is
considered science fiction. I mean, somebody
traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise
doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.

(Scott E. Frank)


Copyright 2005, Chris White


----------



## Mitica100

core_17 said:
			
		

> I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is considered science fiction. I mean, somebody traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise
> doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.
> 
> (Scott E. Frank)


----------



## Corry

Mitica100 said:
			
		

>



My sentiments exactly!!!!   (so I guess I'm not the only one that thinks Tom Cruise is INSANE?)


----------



## Mitica100

core_17 said:
			
		

> My sentiments exactly!!!!  (so I guess I'm not the only one that thinks Tom Cruise is INSANE?)


 
Nah...  My wife detests him!


----------



## Corry

My brother sent this, so it kind of freaked me out at first....

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed,
> thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
> you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last
> night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy
> and calm night, and what happened in my bed still
> leaves a tingling sensation in me.
> You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
> reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my
> indifference, so you
> applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or
> humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you
> drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
> Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for
> you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to
> last night's events. My body still
> bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
> making it harder to forget you.
>
> Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......you
> ****ing mosquito.
>


----------



## photogoddess

Corry - that is SO wrong! :lmao:


----------



## Corry

photogoddess said:
			
		

> Corry - that is SO wrong! :lmao:



Thank you! Thank you very much!


----------



## Meysha

:lmao:  hehehe that's the greatest!!


----------



## doenoe

EUROENGLISH - Will it work? 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


----------



## jstuedle

A seven year old Cincinnati boy was at the center of a
courtroom drama this morning when his lawyer challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

     The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the
judge awarded custody to his aunt.

     The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his
parents and refused to live there.

     When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents,
the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone!

     The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should
have custody of him.

     Custody was granted to the Cincinnati Reds this morning as
the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating
anyone.


----------



## clarinetJWD

That is so funny!  Can you imagine?


----------



## JonMikal

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


----------



## jstuedle

Wedding in Heaven





On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly  
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,

they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When
St.  
Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is

the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.



The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and the couple
is
still waiting. So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were
allowed 
to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal   
aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we
stuck  
together FOREVER?"



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven." 
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things

don't work out?



Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with
anger,   
slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened  
couple.



"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest 
up here!!  Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer


----------



## jstuedle

Harry was on his death bed, and his wife Sylvia was by his side. Harry says "ya know Sylvia, you were by my side when I received my draft notice from Uncle Sam just after December 7, 1941. And you were by my side when I went off to the Korean War, and you were by my side when I went off to the Vietnam War. You were right there when I had my heart attack, and my stroke, and when they discovered I had cancer. Ya know Sylvia, I'm beginning to believe you're bad luck!"


----------



## Corry

Sunday Sermon 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies --


Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked , "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"



80 % of the congregation held up their hands. 



The Minister then repeated his question. 



All responded this time except one small elderly lady "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked. 



"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.. 



"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" 



"Ninety-Eight." She replied. 



"Oh,Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world." 



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the 
congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches."


----------



## Corry

One Day at the Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."


----------



## photogoddess

"Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up that morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."



I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For  The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.



As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"

It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone  had remembered.

I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said,



"You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."  I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day."

Lets' go! "

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would go. .We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And



I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously



On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"  I Responded, "I Guess



Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."



"Ok." I Nervously Replied.



She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My



Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".



And I Just Sat There..



...On The Couch...



....Naked


----------



## Corry

:shock:


----------



## Corry

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet."


----------



## Royster

ive never visited a thread as much as this one! You guys are great! keep it comming!


----------



## Corry

Royster said:
			
		

> ive never visited a thread as much as this one! You guys are great! keep it comming!



Glad to hear it! 


Here's another:

On the bank... by the lake....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go
down three inches... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that
fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but
I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly
goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear
grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps
for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then
I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches...

Some ***** is in serious danger.


----------



## Corry

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he
searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million
dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.

Men will never learn.


----------



## Corry

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty
minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"


----------



## Corry

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,

13% of the time it is pissed off,

12% of the time it is hard up,

and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!


----------



## Corry

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"Are - my- test- results - back? "


----------



## mentos_007

buahhahahaha the last one is great


----------



## Corry

The worm
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm exiting its hole in the ground.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff
as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars.

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


----------



## photogoddess

Two Women in Heaven. 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing 
stories on how they died: 

1st woman: I froze to death. 

2nd woman: How horrible. 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I 
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. 
What about you? 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my 
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. 
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

1st woman: So what happened? 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I 
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and 
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet 
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked 
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over 
with a heart attack and died. 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be 
alive.


----------



## Corry

That's so awful!!!


----------



## Vmann

3 golfers are out playing the links when all of a sudden they get hit by a ball from behind. They scream and yell at the guy then move on to the next hole this goes on for a couple more holes when finally they have had enough. They wait for the guy to walk up and start pushing and yelling at him only to find he his blind. Feeling bad they apologize and head back to the clubhouse.

At the clubhouse the bartender tells them how the blind man plays every Saturday and people just let it go cause hes had such a hard life. Feeling bad the first of the three gentleman says bartender when he comes in all his drinks are on me today. Not to be shown up the second of the friends says bartender when he comes in his meal is on me appitizers, meal, dessert you name it he can have it. The bartender and the two gentleman turn to the last of three friends to see  what he is going to do for being so hard on the guy.

The third gentleman with long pause and a look of disgust says. " what do you expect me to do buy him a set of clubs or something? He's f#cking BLIND make him play at night!"


----------



## Corry

Facts of War
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major.

Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants....


----------



## Corry

Jesse
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "
You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was
his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer.
I don't think I could do that all day long.
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer in a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony breaking rocks all day," said Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief.
Finally he said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .

OK, Monica, you're free to go."


----------



## clarinetJWD

:lmao: Now that's a good one :mrgreen:


----------



## Corry

New Version of "I will survive"


I WILL SURVIVE

                 At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

          When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!

      But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,

                           That I grew strong,

                 And I knew that I could take you on ...

                     But there you are, Another lie,

      I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!

  I should have known that it was bull****, just a sad pathetic dream,

     Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!



                    Go on now go, walk out the door,

        Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!

          Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?

    Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!



                                 [Chorus]

                     I will survive! I will survive!

                    Cuz as long as I have batteries,

                       My sex life's gonna thrive!

                      I will always have good sex,

                           with a handful of latex!

           I will survive!  I will survive!   .... Hey!  Hey!



                                 [Verse]

           It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

         When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!

     But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs,

              Now I'm saving all  my lovin' for a cordless

                               multispeed!



                                 [Chorus]

                    I will survive!  I will survive!

                    Cuz as long as I have batteries,

                       My sex life's gonna thrive!

                      I will always have good sex,

                        with a handful of latex!

            I will survive!  I will survive!  .... Hey!  Hey!


----------



## Meysha

You know the scary thing... this is true. :shock:

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they areright and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" Youwill get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. you have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks ALot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "LoudSigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


----------



## Mitica100

WHO DOES WHAT 
 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." 

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 
 
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." 


Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." 


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


----------



## Corry

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off  go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.


----------



## Corry

This is awful!


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.


----------



## Corry

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.


----------



## Corry

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it."


----------



## jstuedle

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, "

True story, still sadly funny, from a taxpayer point of view.


----------



## vixenta

awww crap, now why couldn't i have noticed this earlier when i posted my joke? :roll:


----------



## jstuedle

*An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.** 
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.** 
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.** 
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.** 
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.** 
"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."** 
. . priceless**!
*


----------



## Corry

http://www.emotioneric.com/

I went through every emotion...some of them are hilarious!


----------



## Corry

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html


----------



## Mitica100

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."


----------



## mrsid99

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it  while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk  home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought  a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and  picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
he now had a problem:  how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you  put the anvil in the bucket, carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken  under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!"  the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the
parking lot he was  approached by a little old lady who told him she
was lost.

She asked,  "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said,  "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. Let's take my  short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there
in no time."

 The  little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow  without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get
in the alley  you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
ravish  me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an  anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you  up
against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down,  cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold  the chickens."


----------



## Corry




----------



## Corry

The most pointless website ever! 

http://www.muffinfilms.com/tree.html


----------



## photogoddess

You've got that right.


----------



## Mitica100

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  I always go exactly the speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!  Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . .  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."


----------



## Corry

The matrix ping pong...

http://crass.on.ru/flash/pingpong.html


----------



## tempra

How do you make a Duck sing?





Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers


----------



## leewald

core_17 said:
			
		

> The most pointless website ever!
> 
> http://www.muffinfilms.com/tree.html




How in the world do you find these websites.       :lmao:


----------



## Corry

leewald said:
			
		

> How in the world do you find these websites.       :lmao:



I just started a thread about inviting firefox users to...  Stumble Upon... go check out that post, and you'll know where I'm finding em!


----------



## jstuedle

Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence, interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. 



He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?" 



"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him." 



The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"



Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f'ing cat."


----------



## Corry

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
** "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
** Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
* "Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
** You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
** Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
** "Could I see him?"
** So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
** Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of
your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
** "Yes, I will," says the genie.
** So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his
million bucks.
** Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead, raining a virtual duck poop storm down on
them. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
** "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
** Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?


----------



## Mitica100

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. Before he leaves the next morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose a typed note:

_"Dear Madam:_

_Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:_

_1) it had never been occupied;_
_2) that there was plenty of heat;_
_3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home._

_However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."_

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

_"Dear Sir,_

_First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."_


----------



## jadin

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result. 

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."


----------



## Mitica100

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." 

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. 

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. 

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" 

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. 

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." 

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!


----------



## Unimaxium

Mitica100 said:
			
		

> "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
> 
> "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
> 
> "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
> 
> "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
> 
> "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
> 
> "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
> 
> So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
> 
> "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
> 
> "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
> 
> Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!



OUCH :shock:


----------



## Corry

Sad News
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the california raisins, Betty crocker, the hostess Twinkies, and captain Crunch.The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his laterlife was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, and two children John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the over. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

Hope this makes you smile have a nice day


----------



## photogoddess

*Getting Older....*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.! 

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## jstuedle

ldman: With a B-day coming up, some of these are  ,  the rest make my want to either :cry: , or :banghead: . Not sure which. :scratch:   I am so  .


----------



## jstuedle

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little
sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?  Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1.! "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." :-x 
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."  :taped sh: 
The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." :bigangel: 
Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.


----------



## Verbal

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?





It's not hard.


----------



## jstuedle

*Lawyer's Donation

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an *
*apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?" *


----------



## jadin

Answer : One

Question : How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?


----------



## Corry

http://www.depict.org/content/films/2003/relationship_over_320.html


----------



## Corry

http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/66-thesimpsons.htm


----------



## Corry




----------



## jstuedle

A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne." The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer search! Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one Paw on the handler's arm. He says, Good boy. The airline rep turns to the first man and says, That woman Is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of the isle and seat number of that passenger. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number. I like it! says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor. The passenger is grossed out. What the hell is going on with this dog? The handler nervously replies, He just found a bomb.


----------



## toruonu

A latvian airplane is traveling from Riga to Tallinn and the captain and first officer are enjoing the flight as usual while autopilot takes care of the mid-flight todos. While approaching the Tallinn airport they look out of the window to prepare for the landing and the captain screams: "That's a hellava small airfield, we really have to push the limits this time" so they drop down fast to lose altitude, hit flaps to maximum, airbrakes to maximum, last minute nose up and immediately at touchdown engange all possible brakes. They manage to stop just 2cm short of the other side of the runway. 

So they take a good deep breath while the captain looks out the windows and exclaims: "This is probably the shortes airfield ever built anywhere" to which the first officer replies looking out the window: "And probably the widest as well..."


----------



## jadin

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"


----------



## jstuedle

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. I finished the exam in a half hour, she replies. Now I'm rechecking my answers.


----------



## jadin

Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it," she explained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-lllo! It's only 25 cents."


----------



## jstuedle

*Make sure your read the script below.... * 


​​*http://www.pbase.com/jstuedle/image/52335235

*

*We Is Friends!* 
*
Me And You Is* 
*Friends *
*
You Smile, I Smile *
*
You Hurt, I Hurt *
*
You Cry, I Cry *
*
You Jump Off A Bridge *
*

I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails *​


----------



## Corry

That is one of the cutest pictures! Awwwww!


----------



## Alison

jadin said:
			
		

> Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
> 
> "It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
> 
> "What do you mean?" Eddie asked, dumbfounded.
> 
> "Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it," she explained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-lllo! It's only 25 cents."




 :lmao:


----------



## jstuedle

How to maintain a health level of insanity in the workplace


Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. 
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. That's a good point, Sparky. No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." 
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. 
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge. 
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. 
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN. 
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh you've got to be faster than that. 
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.


----------



## Andrea K

jstuedle said:
			
		

> How to maintain a health level of insanity in the workplace
> 
> 
> Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
> *Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. That's a good point, Sparky. No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." *
> *Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. *
> *Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. *
> While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
> Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
> *Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. *
> Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
> Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
> Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
> Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.
> Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
> Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh you've got to be faster than that.
> Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.


 
:thumbup: :lmao:


----------



## jstuedle

The Perks of Being Over 40:



Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
No one expects you to run - anywhere. 
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
Things you buy now won't wear out. 
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 
You can live without sex but not without glasses. 
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 
You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
You sing along with elevator music. 
Your eyes won't get much worse. 
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 
You can't remember who sent you this list


----------



## Corry




----------



## Rob

My God! I'm over forty. (I'm not)


----------



## Rob

Sick, twisted, nasty, not safe for work or children:

http://mondo.happytreefriends.com/watch_episodes/index.html

You're gonna watch them all aren't you?


----------



## clarinetJWD

The first time I saw a happy tree friends was in Physics class in HS.


----------



## Mitica100

*Dispatcher:** 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:** I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:** Do you have an address?
Caller:** No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher:** 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: **Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher:** Excuse me?
Caller:** I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher:** Was anything else taken?
Caller:** No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher:** 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller:** Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher:** How can I help you sir?
Caller:** I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher:** Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller:** Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher:** Help you what?
Caller:** Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher:** 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:** I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:** This is nine eleven.
Caller:** I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:** Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:** Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

*
Dispatcher:* 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
**Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot!  This is her husband!*

*And the winner is.........*


*Dispatcher:** 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.*


----------



## jstuedle

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:


----------



## King of Fools

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree

begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son

of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is

a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a

son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I

have ever put my pecker in."


----------



## jstuedle

Very, very funny! Good one. :thumbup:


----------



## Mitica100

*36 **have been accused of spousal abuse *

*7 **have been arrested for fraud *

*19 **have been accused of writing bad checks *

*117 **have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses *

*3 **have done time for assault *

*71, repeat 71 **cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *

*14 **have been arrested on drug-related charges *

*8 **have been arrested for shoplifting *

*21 **currently **are defendants in lawsuit*


*and...*

*84 **have been arrested for drunk driving **in the last year*










*Can you guess which organization this is?*
. 
.
.
.
.
*Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen**!*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

*It's the 535** members of the United States Congress. **The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.*

​


----------



## Alexandra

How Canada got Its name. (not _that _funny, but i still like it.)

Well, as you all know, we Canadians always say "..., eh!" at the end of a phrase. So one day, people decided it was time to name this great maple country, so they put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and asked a real, full blood canadian to pick some and tell'em ou loud. So he did:

"-C, eh!"
"-N, eh!"
"-D, eh!"


----------



## woodsac

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is  on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.  9 Iron" 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone so he tries again.  "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog  wrong, puts his club away, and grabs a 9 iron. 

Boom! He makes a  birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You  must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky  frog." 

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole.  "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the  reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. 

The man is  befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man  played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where  to next?" 

The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas".  They go to Las Vegas  and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"  The frog says, "Ribbit  Roulette". 

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do  you think I should bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000 black 6."  Now, it is a million to one shot that this would win but after the  golf game, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes  sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and rents  the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I  don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am  forever grateful."  

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures  why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. All of  a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous *15-year-old girl* in the  world.




 "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".


----------



## Corry

CINDERELLA 

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin." 
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very
satisfied. 

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to have turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."


----------



## leewald

"Old" is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?


----------



## clarinetJWD

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

:lmao:


----------



## Corry

The old man I work with just told me this one: 

He asked: "How do you hunt a Polar Bear?"

I said: "I dunno. How?" 

He said: "First, ya make a hole in the ice.  Then, you take a can of peas, spread em all out around the hole.  When the bear comes to take a pea, ya kick 'im in the ice-hole!" 

 

I told him he was awful...he goes "Awful! That was clean! Not a dirty word in there!"  *sigh*  I've got the best 80 yr old office-mate a person could ask for!


----------



## Mitica100

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So, he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious love making that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. "I've got to ask them what their secret is" he ponders.   As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!"


----------



## Corry

A guy with a 25-inch peepee went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"

"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"


----------



## Antarctican

Two blondes are sitting in StarBucks. One looks at the newspaper and sees the headline, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed In Conflict".

She gasps in astonishment, then looks to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazillian?"

(oh go on, at least it was clean)


----------



## Corry

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual
police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the
ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that
I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another
ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy,
and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...
You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.


----------



## Darfion

A man boarded an  aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He  realised she was heading straight  towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he  blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,  "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United  States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever  seen sitting next to him,  and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain  his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she  responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled,  "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that  African American men are the most well  endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular  myth is that French men are the  best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers  in all categories are the  Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"  she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing  this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto  Papadopoulos, but my friends call mePaddy."


----------



## duncanp

*woman slaps man* lol...


----------



## duncanp

Antarctican said:
			
		

> Two blondes are sitting in StarBucks. One looks at the newspaper and sees the headline, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed In Conflict".
> 
> She gasps in astonishment, then looks to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazillian?"
> 
> (oh go on, at least it was clean)


 
:thumbup: i like it


----------



## damrabbit

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"


----------



## Corry




----------



## Antarctican

New Medical Breakthrough!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of
these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


----------



## Antarctican

New Rules For 2006 (attributed to George Carlin)



New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. 

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards. 

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. 

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste! Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water. 

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis. 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole. 

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy. 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high. 

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." 

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. 

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. 

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. 

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


----------



## Corry

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried 
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open


----------



## photo gal

:lmao:


----------



## Antarctican

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a
well-mannered professional torturer? 
A. The torturer would apologize first. 

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk. 

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in
common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.


----------



## Antarctican

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to figure out the problem but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. 

"Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." 

The father is very perplexed. "That can't be it, the diaper package says it is good for up to 14 lbs."


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## Corry

eeew!


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## photo gal

*Girls night out*

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


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## Corry

Hahaha...I've read that one before...it's funny!


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## photo gal

*A Really Bad Day*

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


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## clarinetJWD

photo gal said:
			
		

> *A Really Bad Day*
> 
> There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
> 
> Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
> 
> "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
> 
> "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


:lmao: :lmao:


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## damrabbit

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either


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## Corry

I've heard that one before, too, but it's a good one!


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## Antarctican

*A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. 

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. 

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" 

"I can't see my a** coming into work today.
*


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## madambaster

So these three Irish men walked out of a bar.


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## clarinetJWD

madambaster said:
			
		

> So these three Irish men walked out of a bar.


:lmao:


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## leewald

help


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## Mitica100

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally not being  able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


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## Mitica100

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the _Husband Store_ to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: _Floor 1 - These men have jobs._

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - _These men have jobs and love kids._

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - _These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking._

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - _These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework._

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - _These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak._

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: _Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store._


A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.


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## Antarctican

AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME

There will be no nursing home in my future.........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked with reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia? Pretty much anywhere you want to visit, Princess will have a ship ready to go.

10. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.


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## Corry

WARNING: INCREDIBLY CORNY!!!


A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and notices a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out
of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap - and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO
incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies..."

"You just happened to catch my eye."


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## Corry

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it."

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

"All night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


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## Corry

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."


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## Corry

New Study...

WOMEN'S @SS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their @sses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their @ss is too fat...

10% of women think their @ss is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a
good man, and they would have married him anyway..


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## Corry

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b*tch he's runnin' around with."


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## Rob

One sodium atom says "oh no! I think I lost my electron", another atom asks "are you sure?", "Yeah! I'm positive".


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## Corry

That's so nerdy! I love it!


----------



## Unimaxium

For nerds who don't come by chat often: 
http://xkcd.com/c18.html


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## Corry

Unimaxium said:
			
		

> For nerds who don't come by chat often:
> http://xkcd.com/c18.html



People who don't come by chat often? You mean...like...YOU!?


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## malachite

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,and the 
husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits 
alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.  She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she 
hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness", says the wife,
"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


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## Corry

(copied from a post on another forum...)

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


*****...


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## Corry

A woman visited a psychic in her town.



In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the

Tarot reader delivered the bad news, "There's no easy way to say this so I'll just

be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and

horrible death this year."



Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single

flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to

compose herself. She simply had to know.



She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,

"Will I get away with it?"


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## Mitica100

*Tiger Woods and the Irishman*

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the morning to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of ev'rything!"


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## Mitica100

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"



The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why would you think they're twins?  Do you really think they look alike?"



"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"


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## airgunr

I don't think this has been posted yet so....
Classic lines from Hollywood Squares 

They are old but still funny.  From the old Hollywood Squares show, Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty 


Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?!
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


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## Corry

Those are great!


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## clarinetJWD

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Today's Joke in audio form!!! (mild language)


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## Corry

FUNNIEST AUDIO CLIP I'VE HEARD IN A LONG TIME!!!!!


----------



## GoM

A girl said she was "feeling butter" 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





She asked me if I was "feeling butter" 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




And I tol' her, "I'm only feeling margarinely butter."


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## Corry

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


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## airgunr

Been awhile since there has been a new one added....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.  I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'  Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.  Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'...he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'


----------



## iflynething

Did you hear about the Energizer bunny getting arrested. 


He was charged with battery.


~Michael~


I gotta keep up with this thread


----------



## dklod

An ex-army grandfather is in a family restaurant with his grandson.  The young bloke is demonstrating how he can catch a dollar coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air. Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The old digger realises he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help..

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting quietly in the corner, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the table, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the room. Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his nuts and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the grandfather and walks back to her seat in the restaurant without saying a word.

 As soon as he is sure that his grandson has suffered no lasting ill  effects, the old digger rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

 'No,' the woman replies,' I work for the Australian Taxation Office.'


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## iflynething

Three men walked into a bar, you woulda thought the third one woulda seen it

~Michael~


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