# How to deal with the groom's mother?



## nerelda (Jul 26, 2010)

Recently I photographed my first wedding, which was very exciting for me, but the mother of the groom decided to make my job difficult.

Throughout the night, she would constantly come up to me and tell me what to shoot and how to shoot it. Also, after the event, she wanted to know when she would receive her copy of the images and did not like it when I explained that wasn't the case, but that she could purchase a copy of the digital images or prints. She immediately demanded that she was entitled to a free copy of all the images since she was the mother of the groom.

Yes, there is a contract. The bride and Groom are the ones who hired me and in the contract it does state that THEY will receive a disc of all the images, and that the files and any prints made from that disc are for personal use only, not to be copied or distributed.

What is the best way to handle this kind of situation?


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## TheSolicitor (Jul 26, 2010)

I feel like they're going to run out a copy of stuff for Groom's Mom, going right through your copyright and contract.  

It's unfortunate that she behaved in that manner, but I think you did the right thing by not giving in to her--we've all got bills to pay!  If you find that they have printed photographs or made copies of your disk(s) and given them to family and friends, in an effort to circumvent the contract, things get complicated.  Do you pursue them legally, or try and handle it on your own?

How would you know?  If suddenly, orders for photographs are canceled or you don't get any orders would be an indication that your images have been distributed in violation of the contract.  Hopefully honesty will reign and you won't have a further issue.  Still pretty shoddy that the Groom's Mom would behave like that!


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## Big Mike (Jul 26, 2010)

Welcome to the forum.

Firstly, I think your package/contract is flawed.  When I sell clients the digital files, I give them the right to make copies prints, and that includes giving them to their mother etc.  To me, that falls under 'personal use.  
Besides, they will likely do that anyway, and how would you even know?  
So basically, I'm already getting paid for the digital files, so I don't care what they do with them (as long as it's not commercial use etc.)  

If the Mother or anyone asks about the files, I'll tell them to talk to the B&G.  But I also tell them that I'll have the photos available on my website, where they can purchase the files of order prints etc.


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## IgsEMT (Jul 26, 2010)

I'm with Mike, (not going to repeat what he said  )

But for the future, if someone is telling you what to do and how to do it, you can try politely asking them to leave you the hell alone and let you do your job  as for images and BS as such "Ma'am (or sir), these are the people who hired me (B&G in your case) you can talk to them regarding this (what ever it may be)."

good luck


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## Christie Photo (Jul 26, 2010)

nerelda said:


> Throughout the night, she would constantly come up to me and tell me what to shoot and how to shoot it.



Ooo...  though one.  I do whatever I can when this happens...  AFTER I get what I'm bound to.  At my last wedding, the groom's mom started on me with the same approach.  I told her I'd be happy to make her photograph, just as soon as I finished what I was doing.  Smiling, I told her, "I'll send for you when we're ready."  Ten minuites later, she was no longer interested.  Go figure.

Just remember, she is someone loved by the bride and groom.  I always say "yes" and demonstrate proper respect, but do what I promised first.  It's not so easy to explain to the couple later if I behaved badly.




nerelda said:


> Also, after the event, she wanted to know when she would receive her copy of the images...



Again, I would assure her she could have everything she wants...  that the bride and groom had not made arrangements, but not to worry...  it would be no problem.  Of course, someone will have to pay, but I'd work that out later... not at the wedding celebration.

-Pete


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## Big Mike (Jul 26, 2010)

On the topic of someone telling you what to do (and how to do it)...it's usually (Always) best to be as polite as possible.  If their suggestions are bad, or not what you want to do, then just play it off and do your thing anyway.   If you give them a bad attitude, that will have farther reaching repercussions than just being 'un-cooperative' with the Mom.  

If it gets to the point where someone, even the Mom, is being so distracting that it prevents you from doing your job, then I'd consider taking it up with the Bride & Groom...who are hopefully the ones you signed the contract.  On that point, it's always a very good idea to have the B&G sign the contract...and not a parent, even if the parent is paying for it.


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## nerelda (Jul 26, 2010)

Thank you for all the feedback. I really appreciate it. You are helping me to put things into a different perspective.

As far as being told what to do, It was all shots that I had either already done, or things that would pull me away from what the B&G had previously requested from me. Some of the images were of certain people dancing together. I don't mind getting images such as these, but do not want to be pulled away until I have the shot I'm working on atm. Unfortunately though, she would always wait until I am working on something and the song was nearly over, so I would miss whatever it is she wanted. I did however get hundreds of images from throughout the dance floor all night, so I'm sure I have at least a few of most of the people. I had also done several table shots to ensure every guest was in at least one photo. 

Another problem I came across that I just remembered was that when (on the rare moments) I would run to the restroom or grab myself a drink of water, I had the groom's mother on my case about "why aren't you taking photos?" I did my best in all these situations to be polite and explain that I had everything under control and ensure her that I was still taking plenty of images. Towards the end of the night, I felt like I was being watched every second and couldn't breathe without her getting into my business. I found that the only way to finally get her to leave me alone was to tell her "Don't worry ma'am. I already have XXX images and plenty of more to come!"


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## Eco (Jul 26, 2010)

Look on the bright side.....maybe she has other kids that will need your services


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## nerelda (Jul 26, 2010)

Eco said:


> Look on the bright side.....maybe she has other kids that will need your services




:greenpbl:  Actually this was her last one to be married thankfully. HAHAHA


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## KmH (Jul 26, 2010)

nerelda said:


> *How to deal with the groom's mother?*


Keep a SIG/Sauer P-220 in your camera bag. Works every time. :thumbup::er:

SIG Sauer P220 - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Mike_E (Jul 26, 2010)

Most of the time (aside from the rare gone-off-their-meds-over-the-top mothers) these moms are suffering from separation anxiety mixed in with a little competitiveness towards the bride.

Going about your business while talking with them about how he was growing up and her plans for any grandchildren and what family traits she would like to see passed along to them and various and sundry small talk will calm her.  

If you talk to her right when it comes time for her Special pose with her son you'll increase your sales by at least one large print.  (suggest canvas )


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## Platinumgoodies (Aug 4, 2010)

Hello,

It's very tough job to hand a customer  and i will suggest,  You need to behave always very politely, It's very useful for your profile ........


Best of Luck


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## Derrel (Aug 4, 2010)

Cheerfully and politely tell an irate or impatient customer, "We'll get you taken care of!"

Just keep repeating it if needed..."we'll make sure you're taken care of." "We'll take care of you." It's not a promise, it is a blanket assurance. "We'll make sure you're taken care of." I've listed three ways to say the same thing.

Arguing with an irate or nervous customer seldom goes anywhere but south...when you're polite and cordial and repeatedly give a broad, simple blanket assurance, it becomes very hard for an irate customer to escalate....try it next time you have a customer who needs "special handling". It avoids specifics, it avoids arguing,and it negates almost any argument...just keep saying the same thing, and then do your job.


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## inTempus (Aug 4, 2010)

Big Mike said:


> Firstly, I think your package/contract is flawed.  When I sell clients the digital files, I give them the right to make copies prints, and that includes giving them to their mother etc.  To me, that falls under 'personal use.
> Besides, they will likely do that anyway, and how would you even know?
> So basically, I'm already getting paid for the digital files, so I don't care what they do with them (as long as it's not commercial use etc.)


I'm with Mike on this one.

You need to make a choice on how you want to get paid.  You will either get paid by selling prints, or you will get paid by selling the rights to digital files.  Once you release a DVD full of images, you've just enabled the recipient to make as many copies as they desire, usually.  If you didn't give them a release with the files, many shops won't make prints from them (but many will).

I sell my digital files.  My contract states that I will be the ultimate decision maker on which images are released (I don't sell every image taken, I have creative license to make that decision) at which time I will release the rights of the images I choose to the couple.  They in turn have a right to make as many prints as they desire from those files.  My DVD(s) are delivered with a digital copy of a release form so they can have the prints made.

My pricing reflects this.  I get paid up front and do not plan on making any money in print sales.  I do have a site where people can order prints, but usually I only get a handful of sales.

The other way to do it is to follow the old school method.  You don't release print quality digital images (if you give them digital copies, they should be too small for print and have a watermark that prevents their use) but instead allow them to review the images and order prints only from you.  You then shoot the wedding for a relatively low upfront price, and attempt to make your money on the backend through print sales.

As for dealing with the mother, you need to be tactful but still let her know you're there to shoot a wedding not argue about free prints.  Give her a card and tell her you would be more than glad to discuss the details of the contract with her after the wedding assuming the couple (who you're working for I assume) gives their consent.  Be polite, smile but be purposeful and continue on with your job.

I always have two people with me when I shoot now.  My wife runs interference (dealing with family and helping to organize people for formals) and I have a second shooter.  Both of these people help me to focus on what I need to do and not get bogged down.  I found it to be VERY difficult to shoot a wedding of any size on my own.  It's much easier to have some help... which I know can be challenging to find.

I just shot a wedding two weeks ago where if I didn't have my wife and second shooter, there's little chance I would have gotten the shots I needed.  It was a big wedding in a massive building with lots of shots on my list... and they had a relative doing the DJ stuff and no one doing the organization/planning.


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