# WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!



## lostprophet

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?".
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" 
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

-------------------------------------------------------

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

--------------------------------------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

---------------------------------------------------------------

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. 
They sent me Diana Ross.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sky TV has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. 
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" 
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


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## lostprophet

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two  men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll  feed you" the
lawyer said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with  me. They are over there,
under that tree" the poor man said.

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful  voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine.

Once they were on their way, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the
grass is almost a foot high!"


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## lostprophet

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to mum and dad's for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is
going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary
are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet?

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK!  What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."


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## clarinetJWD

I think you just made my day!!!


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## Mitica100

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. 

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." 

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" 

"Oh, I don't know, "says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" 

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." 

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $**t?


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## aprilraven

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


i'm done... i thought they were funny....


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## damrabbit

A bear,lion and chicken are discussing who is the scariest animal alive
The bear states "When i growl even the trees tremble"
The lion Says "Huh when i growl the whole jungle shakes"
The Chicken turns round and says "Pah i only have to sneeze and the whole world is sh*ting itself"


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## aprilraven

damrabbit said:
			
		

> A bear,lion and chicken are discussing who is the scariest animal alive
> The bear states "When i growl even the trees tremble"
> The lion Says "Huh when i growl the whole jungle shakes"
> The Chicken turns round and says "Pah i only have to sneeze and the whole world is sh*ting itself"


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## Verbal

AprilRaven those jokes are great!  I'm going to tell them to my coworkers, they'll love them!


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## lostprophet

BE WARNED !!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. 

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." 

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female   sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go  home and sleep with them. 

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.  

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." 

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. 

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. 

For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.


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## lostprophet

Just a little story about loyalty in marriage:

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, - f**k off"


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## Alpha

This one isn't exactly clean:

An inventor walks into a bank, and goes into one of the loan officers' offices. He sits down and the loan officer says, "what can I help you with?" The man replies that he's looking for a loan to finance one of his new inventions. So the loan officer asks what exactly the invention is. The man pulls a spray bottle out of his pocket and says, "Ya see this? You spray it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste and smell exactly like an orange." The loan officer gets very offended and yells, "That's digusting! Get out of my office right now!" So the inventor leaves.

About a year and a half later, the same man comes walking into the bank to make an enormous deposit. He happens to walk by the same loan officer's room and decides to stop in. "Hey! Remember me???? I'm the guy who came in asking for a loan and you turned me down!?" The loan officer gets pretty nervous and replies, "Oh, well, i'm sorry about that..." The inventor interrrupts him and says "Oh, No! I'm so glad you said no! Otherwise I never would have made all this money!" Intrigued, the loan officer says, "Well, that's great news then. Do you mind if I ask exactly what's brought you such good fortune?" The inventor pulls a spray bottle out of his pocket and says, "Ya see this? You spray it on an orange."


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## lostprophet

A wedding occurred just outside St. John's, Newfoundland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in St. John's court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The courtroom goes silent and Mike, the Best Man, stands up and says, "judge, I was the best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Mike to take the stand.

Mike begins his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at a St. John's wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay. Continue."

"Well, said Mike, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."


Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!"


"Hurt?" Mike replies, "He broke three of my fingers!"


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## lostprophet

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive 
woman. 

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the 
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. 

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, 
and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was 
lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the 
gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in 
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to 
return this to the woman. It read: 

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a 
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty 
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as 
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. 
Just send the bottle back."


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## LadybearHilde

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!" 

**********************************************************************************
The Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

*************************************************************************************

 NEW FACTS OF LIFE
One day a little boy asks: Daddy how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: You've Got Male

**************************************************************************


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## lostprophet

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She  spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. 
On her way home,  she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to  the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I  am?"

"About 32," is the reply. 

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman  says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the  counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess  about 29." 

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now  she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way  down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the  clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say  30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While  waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the  same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman  was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under  your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you  are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He  slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very  slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches  each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each  other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old  am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his  hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." 

Stunned and amazed, the woman  says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says,  "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was  behind you in line at McDonald's."


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## lostprophet

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. 

 "How many children?" asks the council worker. 
 "10" replies the Essex girl. 
 "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, 
 Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." 

 "Doesn't that get confusing?" 
 "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out 
 playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, 
 or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." 

 "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed 
 council worker. 

 "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames." 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------ 

 Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. 

 The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." 

 She says "I'll take the red one." 

 The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 

 An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and 
 bleeding. 

 The paramedics soon arrive on site. 

 Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some 
 questions?" 

 Girl: "OK" 

 Medic: "What's your name?" 

 Girl: "Sharon." 

 Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" 

 Sharon: "Yes." 

 Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" 

 Sharon: "Romford, mate." 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 

 An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It Was 
 her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the 
 news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be 
 careful!" 

 "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's  f*cking 
 hundreds of them!" 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood 
 everywhere. 

 The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's 
 lying flat out on the floor. 

 Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." 

 Sharon: "Ok." 

 Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" 

 Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


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## lostprophet

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.


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## lostprophet

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
began to talk....

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


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## lostprophet

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the locals looking on curiously, and the landlord shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

*Bang!* A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The locals chant "Have another drink!"

The landlord shakes his head in dismay.

*Bang!* Two arms pops out!

The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Have another drink!"

The landlord ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

*Bang!* Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The pub falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The landlord sighs, stares into the boy's empty glass, and says...






















 "He should have quit while he was a head!"


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## lostprophet

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink.

When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more.

This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room.

There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him.

That night he has the best sex he has ever had.

After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...

PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says.

KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.


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## Raymond J Barlow

>>A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married 
>>to
>>other
>>people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
>>transcontinental train.
>>
>>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they 
>>were
>>both
>>very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she 
>>in
>>the
>>lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
>>saying,
>>Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach 
>>into
>>the
>>closet to get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.
>>I have a better idea, she replied. Just for tonight, let's pretend
>>we're
>>married.
>>Wow! That's a great idea! he exclaimed.
>>
>>Good, she replied. Get your own ****ing blanket.
>>
>>After a moment of silence, he farted.


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## Rob

There are three kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.  
Why is abbreviation such a long word?  
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.  
. . . every morning is the dawn of a new error.  
For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phoneless cord!  
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.  
Mental Floss prevents moral decay!  
Madness takes aits toll.  Please have exact change ready.  
Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.  
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.  
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.  
Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?  
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.  
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.  
Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.  
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!  
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock!  
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.  
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?  
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.  
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.  
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.  
Help Wanted:  Telepath . . . you know where to apply.  
Mechanic's slogan:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.  
Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark.  
Dain bramaged.  
Department of Redundancy Department.  
Headline:  Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!  
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.


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## Mitica100

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with 
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


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## tmpadmin

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park 
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and 
opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite 
reach that far.


----------



## lostprophet

An old lady is very upset as her husband had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.

The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"


----------



## tmpadmin

That is nasty!


----------



## airgunr

Signs on various businesses...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
******************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
************************** 
At an Optometrist's Office 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."


----------



## Antarctican

*How Airplanes Are Different Than Women*

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.


----------



## Antarctican

*George Carlin's New Rules For 2006*

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bast**ds.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for 
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting

(*now don't anyone go getting all hissy about these. A few strike close to home for me too, and I didn't write 'em*)


----------



## tmpadmin

Gotta love George Carlin!


----------



## lostprophet

A frog goes into a  bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is  Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a  holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says  his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the  bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you  and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She  holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 The bank manager looks back at  her and says...

 "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
 Rolling Stone."


----------



## tmpadmin

That was bad...


----------



## Antarctican

GROAN!!  :roll:  (but keep posting!)


----------



## lostprophet

Antarctican said:
			
		

> GROAN!! :roll: (but keep posting!)


 
dont you mean croak


----------



## lostprophet

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble
is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days
to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy

"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
And just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts,


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"


----------



## mrsid99

Only Brits appreciate such really appalling puns.....well done sir!


----------



## lostprophet

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.[/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

[/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"[/FONT]


----------



## lostprophet

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

 However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.


----------



## Rob

Early one morning, a milkman is doing his rounds. He goes up to one of the houses and knocks on the door to collect the milk money. A small boy answers the door smoking a huge Havana cigar, swigging from a bottle of lager, his arm around what appears to be a call girl. The milkman looks at the small boy and asks, &#8216;Is your mum or dad in?&#8217; The little lad replies, &#8216;Does it f*cking look like it?&#8217;


----------



## lostprophet

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for whom I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive
outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. 

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled WHAT?! I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for whom I am and not
for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


----------



## monicam

lostprophet said:
			
		

> Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
> to mum and dad's for the night.
> 
> In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is
> going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary
> are up yet.
> 
> She replies, "No."
> 
> Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
> 
> His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
> 
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up
> yet?
> 
> She replies, "No."
> 
> Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
> 
> His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
> to school."
> 
> After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
> 
> His mum says, "No."
> 
> Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
> 
> His mum replies, "OK!  What do you think?"
> 
> He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
> gave him my airplane glue."



it was funny dude..you make my day...I'm Laughing my ass off now.ahahaha


----------



## lostprophet

Yes, I'm knackered.

For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

I've now come to realise I'm knackered because I am overworked.

Look at it this way:

The population of this country is 51 million.
21 million are retired.
That leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million at school.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government to look after us.
That leaves 5 million to do the work.
One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to do the Government's work.
That leaves 1 million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons, which leaves two people to do the work.

You and Me - and you're sitting on your bum reading jokes

NO WONDER I'M KNACKERED!!!


----------



## duncanp

lol great jokes


----------



## lostprophet

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are" he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?

It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"


----------



## lostprophet

A husband and wife are traveling by car. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. 

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have." explains the manager. 
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again. 

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" 

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." 

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." 
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. 
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


----------



## lostprophet

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. 

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all 
three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. 

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. 

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." 

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll 
never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his 
butt. He won't even wake up." 

The friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. 

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the 
bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. 

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth 
time, when the wife goes back to her side. 

The husband then rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad 
enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop 
using my butt for a scoreboard?"


----------



## lostprophet

Marriage - Part I  

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.  Any comments?" 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .........  whether you're here or not." 

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" 

****************************** 
Marriage (Part III) 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" 

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his  achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of  Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' " His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."  

**************************************
Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early  morning business flight. Not wanting to be the  first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,  "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find  it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was  9:00 AM  and he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go  and  see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the  bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


----------



## lostprophet

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian,

"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas**rd, you're sh**ting the bed"


----------



## Rob

lol.... oh, that was good!

Rob


----------



## lostprophet

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says .... "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "Because he's such a bloody liar."


----------



## lostprophet

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper..!!

  "Hello."

  "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

  "Yes," whispered the small voice.

  "May I talk with him?"

  The child whispered, "No."

  Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, is your Mommy there?"

  "Yes."

  "May I talk with her?"


  Again the small voice whispered, "No."

  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

  "Is anybody else there?"

  "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

   Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

  "May I speak with the policeman?"

  "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

  "Busy doing what?"

  "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.


  Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

  "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

  "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

  In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

  Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
  asked, "What are they searching for?"

  Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."!!


----------



## lostprophet

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.  By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.  This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

 It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours.  I
 too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.  Tell
 you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are
 so at least you'll have that going for you."

 "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.  So the snake
 slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft
 fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft
 cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

 "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
 The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with
 my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

 So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
 smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and
 noballs, I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or
 possibly someone in senior management."


----------



## Antarctican

^^  Love it! A classic.


----------



## LaFoto

A man walks into an army surplus store and asks if they've got any camouflage trousers.
"Yes, we have", replies the assistent.
"But... erm ...
 ...we can't find any of them."


----------



## Antarctican

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.




(Sheesh, can't believe I'm posting this.  I could get kicked outta the girls club for this)


----------



## lostprophet

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys" 

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two nmonths."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's" 

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs lightly spread apart, Sharon Stone- style. 

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies,

























"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"


----------



## lostprophet

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to  tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came  back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. 
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and  broke and made a mess." 

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" 

"Very good," said the teacher. 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. 
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,  but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." 

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" 

"Stay the f ** k away from my Aunty Karen when she's been drinking."


----------



## lostprophet

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"


----------



## Antarctican

(and I'll bet they were soft-boiled eggs at that!)


----------



## lostprophet

Antarctican said:
			
		

> (and I'll bet they were soft-boiled eggs at that!)


 
There is only one way to find out


----------



## ferny

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! 

NAME: Greg Bulmash 

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. 

SIGN HERE: Aries


----------



## lostprophet

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...... 

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!" 

Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!


----------



## lostprophet

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magic lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."

Pfufffff and he Was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."

Pfufffff and he Was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST


----------



## lostprophet

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.


The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"?

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you?". To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause.

The rabbit said...

"Mixing me toasties"


----------



## Antarctican

This is purported to be the transcript of an radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, released by the Chief of Naval Operations.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Canadian reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. 

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Canadian reply: No, I say again, divert YOUR course. 

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! 

Canadian reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


----------



## DepthAfield

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. 

Quietly, arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights , yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. 

The wife shouted..."Don't do it.." This man has been very generous. I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packers Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues".

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" 

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket, before he catches a cold".


----------



## lostprophet

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five ironnwrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced ourmballs into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."


----------



## lostprophet

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. 
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the HR rep called them together and remarked, "You're 
all working very hard and we're satisfied with your work. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you Know what happened to her"? 

The cannibals all shook their heads "No". 

After the HR rep had left the room, the leader of the cannibals said to 
the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" 

A hand rose hesitantly. 

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating 
MANAGERS and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something"


----------



## lostprophet

We always hear " the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. 

These are OUR rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant THE OTHER ONE . 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as  rugby, cars, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


----------



## Antarctican

Women know that "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with."  :greenpbl:


----------



## lostprophet

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
  impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
  chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

  He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

  Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
  even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
  downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame,
  gazing into the kitchen.

  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
  heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen tablewere
  literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

  Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh
  wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
  landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

  His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the
  table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.


  "Sod off" she said, "they're for the funeral.


----------



## duncanp

thanks made my day


----------



## Antarctican

Two Scots, Graham and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding............

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Graham nods approvingly. "Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Graham, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?" Graham then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."


----------



## lostprophet

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 

The Lord replies, "A minute." 

The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" 

The Lord replies, "A penny." 

The Man asks, "Can I have a penny?" 

The Lord replies, "In a minute."


----------



## lostprophet

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. 


So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." 
 The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."


----------



## lostprophet

Quasimodo comes home from a had days work ringing the bells of Notre Dame cathedral to find esmarelda in the kitchen holding a wok.

Yum, are we having stir fry for tea? Quasimodo asks

No darling, I am ironing your shirt came the reply


----------



## lostprophet

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. 

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." 

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." 

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. 
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" 

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." 

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" 

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."


----------



## damrabbit

*The Italian Job*

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. 
Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. 
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. 
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts 



scroll down wait for it​ 





















"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""​


----------



## Mitica100

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 


The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


----------



## GoM

What's big and green, and if you swallow it, it will kill you?









A pool table

---------

What's big and black, and if it falls out of a tree your stove will break?









Your stove


----------



## lostprophet

ENGLISH OF TOMORROW (EU ANNOUNCEMENT)





The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".


Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".


This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.>

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.​


----------



## lostprophet

An expert on the supernatural is giving a Halloween lecture on ghosts at a large municipal auditorium.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" 

About 90 people raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 people raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?" 

About 15 people raise their hands.

Next he asks, "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" And three people raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

Way in the back, this biker named Snake raises his hand.

The expert takes off his glasses, and says, "Sir, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big biker gets out of his seat and with a nod and a grin, begins to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the expert says, "Now, sir, please tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

And the biker replied, "Ghosts? @#%$!!! From way back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!!"


----------



## lostprophet

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye which reads:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*
*HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION*
*10 MILES*

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*
*HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION*
*5 MILES*

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*
*HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION*
*NEXT RIGHT*

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the Door... This nun instructs: "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

*GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.*
*SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.*


----------



## lostprophet

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."


----------



## chris82

a guy walks into a bar and behind the counter he sees a sign saying

"cheese sandwiches $5,handjobs $10"

so the guy walks up to the girl behind the counter and says

"mam are you the lady that gives out the hand jobs"

she says

"yes i am"

and he says

"well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich":lmao:  :lmao:


----------



## lostprophet

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


----------



## chris82

a guy walks into a bar...and comes out with a lump on his head

it was an iron bar


----------



## chris82

a guy goes to the docter and says

docter i think ive broke my leg in three places

the docter says 

then dont go to those places


----------



## Mitica100

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No  problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone  gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St . Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time  to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,  "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


----------



## Orrin

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN 

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, 
let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow 
lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Montana in 1889. 

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of 
Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the
picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana
Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer
six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged,
1889." 

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We 
simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it
with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head 
shot. 

Next, we rewrite the text: 

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His 
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. 

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service 
at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his
dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a
vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic
function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed."

------------------------------

Many more at Orrin's Humor Archive


----------



## Orrin

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge,he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free, to a good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too
un-trusting of this deal.

It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote


----------



## Orrin

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with 
her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy 
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to 
treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) 
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


----------



## Mitica100

While walking through a park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" 

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me." 

"No, would you like to give it a try?" 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. 


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. 


When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."


----------



## Lensmeister

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any bread?"


Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any f***ing bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you deaf?  We haven't got any f***ing bread.  Ask me again 
and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a 
f***ing bird."

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?


----------



## zombiekilla

Where do you find a dog with no legs?       Where you left it.


----------



## zombiekilla

What's dangerous and swings from trees?      A monkey with a chainsaw!


----------



## zombiekilla

Real things said in court

Q: What is your date of birth? 
  A: July fifteenth. 
  Q: What year?  
 A: Every year.  

  Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?  
 A: Yes. 
  Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?  
 A: I forget.  
 Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?  

  Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? 
  A: Oral.   

   Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
  A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  Q: How long has he lived with you?  
 A: Forty-five years.   

  Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?  
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"   
Q: And why did that upset you?   
A: My name is Susan.   

   Q: Sir, what is your IQ?   
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.   

  Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? 
  A: We both do.  
 Q: Voodoo? 
  A: We do.  
 Q: You do?  
 A: Yes, voodoo.   

   Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?  

 Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

  Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?   Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?  
  Q: Did he kill you?  
   Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?   
  Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?    
 Q: How many times have you committed suicide?   
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
   A: Yes. 
  Q: And what were you doing at that time?  

  Q: She had three children, right?  
 A: Yes.  
 Q: How many were boys? 
  A: None. 
  Q: Were there any girls?   

   Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?  
 A: Yes.  
 Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?  
    Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
  A: I went to Europe, sir. 
  Q: And you took your new wife?   

  Q: How was your first marriage terminated?   
A: By death.   
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?   

   Q: Can you describe the individual? 
  A: He was about medium height and had a beard.   
Q: Was this a male, or a female?   

   Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?  
 A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.   

   Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?  
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  
 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?  
 A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.   
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?   
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


----------



## zombiekilla

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!! The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. 
 The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife. 
 The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. 
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. 
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.


----------



## Orrin

Truths...


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
   look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it
   is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
   neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
   thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
   thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
   by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
   buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
    everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
    mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
    when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the words "The" and "IRS"
    together it spells "THEIRS"?


----------



## Orrin

There were two babies side by side in the nursery, one male and
the other female. One day they were just cooing away, when the
little girl baby started screaming, "rape rape rape!!!!"

The little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little girl
baby and said, "Aw....roll over and shut up, you're laying on
your pacifier!"


----------



## lostprophet

[FONT=helvetica,arial]
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

"Actually, no" he replies.  

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.  

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"  

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." [/FONT]


----------



## lostprophet

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each          other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. 
       "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm          going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life          for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."


       And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.          The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,          from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking          of branches.


       Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide          grins on their faces.


       "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.


       Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue          and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poo          on its head."


----------



## lostprophet

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank          them, then left.
This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the          bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"        

       The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have          one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order          the three shots in their honor." 

       The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed          the man every time he visited the bar. 

Two weeks later, the man walked          into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. 

       Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had          always been ordering three. 

       The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."


----------



## lostprophet

Husband store


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . . . . . 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
*
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.*



The second floor sign reads:

*Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.*



The third floor sign reads:

*Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.*

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:


*Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.*

"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


*Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.*


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.*

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


----------



## Antarctican

:er:


----------



## lostprophet

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice.


----------



## Corry

lostprophet said:


> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
> was nice.


----------



## lostprophet

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.


----------



## chris82

Dad cooks deer for dinner this evening and the kids ask "Dad what is it" "Its something you would sometimes hear your mother call me"He repplies...One kid says to the other "Dont eat it...Its an a**e hole"


----------



## brighteyesphotos

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept 
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby 
table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" 

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to 
drinking 
right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober 
since." 

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating 
that long?"


----------



## lostprophet

A cowboy rode into town and             stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always             had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished             his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the             bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head             without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

            "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he             yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright,             I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by             the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't             like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals             shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer,             walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

            He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender             wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you             go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said,             "I had to walk home."


----------



## Chris of Arabia

Welsh films, isn't it. 
9 1/2 Leeks 
Trefforest Gump 
The Lost Boyos 
An American Werewolf in Pwllheli 
Huw Dares Gwyneth 
Dai Hard 
Cool Hand Look-you 
Sheepless in Seattle 
The Eagle has Llandudno 
The Magnificent Severn 
Haverfordwest Was Won 
Austin Powys 
The Magic Rhonddabout 
Independence Dai 
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time 
Forgot 
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters 
The Bridge on the River Wye 
A Beautiful Mind-you 
The Sheepshagging Redemption 
Breakfast at Taffies 
Look Back in Bangor 
Evans Can Wait 
A Fishguard Called Rhondda

>;o))


----------



## lostprophet

An Amish boy and his father were  visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially  by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The  boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" 
The father [never having seen an  elevator responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I  don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching  wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and  pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small  room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of  lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the  circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and  a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get  your mother."​


----------



## Antarctican

*More Amish humour:* 

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."


----------



## Chris of Arabia

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up." A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.

"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"

"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind 
of pervert?!"

>;o))


----------



## Chris of Arabia

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. 

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".

>;o))


----------



## motcon

Chris of Arabia: priceless.


----------



## Chris of Arabia

A primary school teacher starts a new job in North London and, trying to  make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a  Spurs fan. 
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are  Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.  The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and asks: 

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" 

"Because I'm not a Spurs fan", she replies. 

The teacher, visibly shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then  who are you a fan of?' 

"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it", Mary replies. 
The teacher cannot believe her ears and asks: "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?" 
"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!" 

"Well", says the teacher, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. 
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" 

"Then", Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan"


----------



## Antarctican

A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign on the box says: "Sex Frogs! Only $50 each! Comes with complete instructions".  The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her. Certain that she is not being watched, she whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one of the sex frogs!"  As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."  The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions tell her:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightgown.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems, please call the store."  So our blonde heroine calls the pet shop. The man sighs loudly and says, "I'll be right over."  Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damned frog just sits there!"  The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


----------



## Chris of Arabia

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"We're losing the Hovis Account."


----------



## Hertz van Rental

A cow went into an Irish bar - but she couldn't get served because there were udders in front of her...


----------



## Hertz van Rental

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?






A bison has two taps and a plug hole...


----------



## Antarctican

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles
a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of
beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the
gallon.

Kind Of Makes One Proud To Be Canadian ....


----------



## blackdoglab

so, a skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer... and a mop"


----------



## LadybearHilde

The Physics of Hell


 "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof."

 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)
or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So,
we need to know the rate that
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that
we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
normally belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at  the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until 
"all Hell breaks loose".

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until "Hell freezes over".

 So which is it?

 If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", 
and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true.  So Hell is exothermic.

This student is the only one who received an "A" for the exam.


----------



## LadybearHilde

The Hokey Pokey -- Shakespearean Style!   

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within   
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.   
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:   
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.   
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.   
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.   
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.   
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.   
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt   
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


----------



## LadybearHilde

A small Northwest Florida Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
 species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became
 very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
 veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To
 make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals'
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample 
ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators 
thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have
sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.  Secondly, you must
never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to 
these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well...........," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the 
five hundred


----------



## LadybearHilde

A professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment
with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple:
each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph
of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember
to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca
and Gary.

First paragraph by Rebecca:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Second paragraph by Gary:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out
the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...


Gary:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-
witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor,
stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic
semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels."

Rebecca:
Asshole.

Gary:
*****.

Rebecca:
DICK!

Gary:
Slut.

Rebecca:
Get F%$%#$d.

Gary:
You wish; eat ****.

Rebecca:
F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Gary:
Go drink some tea - whore.


TEACHER:
A+ - I really liked this one.


----------



## blackdoglab

more juvinile humore

for this one, after each phrase, ya have to say pea soup...

whad'ya have for breakfast

whad'ya have for lunch

whad'ya have for dinner

whad'ya do all night


----------



## lostprophet

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double                       whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here&#8230; and                       while you're at it, have one yourself." 

                      "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds                       to pour everyone their drinks. 

                      Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for                       me, and the same again for everyone else." 

                      The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse                       me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that                       last round first?" 

                      The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With                       this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws                       the guy out of the bar.

                      About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back                       in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a                       drink for all my friends."

                      "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the                       barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

                      "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty                       when you've had a drink!"


----------



## Hertz van Rental

Who made the sand wet?



The seaweed.










Who made the office wet?





















The typist.




The intellectual jokes are always the best...


----------



## Antarctican

(and NO, it did not take 6 days for me to get the jokes - I just saw the post now!)


----------



## Fangman

Neighbours

Council tax re-evaluers want to  charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in  rough areas.

We have a huge council  house at the end of our street.

The  extended family who live there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of  fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or  insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do  nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is  famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his  son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved  yet.

All the kids have broken  marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always  seen out in nightclubs.

The family's  odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control.  ..........



Honestly - who'd  live near Windsor  Castle


----------



## Antarctican

Love it, Fangman. I did NOT see that ending coming!


----------



## Antarctican

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Excellent. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


----------



## lostprophet

I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my cellphone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.


----------



## lostprophet

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. 
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. 

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. 

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" 

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."


----------



## Antarctican

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the 
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill 
didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a 
cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam 
really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together 
was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to 
find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?" 

Bill replied, "I have been in jail." 

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" 

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde 
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" 

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I 
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty', and the judge 
gave me 30 days for perjury."


----------



## Chris of Arabia

*How do you decide who to marry (written by kids):*

 (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
        - Alan, age 10

  (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
        - Kristen, age 10


*   WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?*

  (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
        - Camille, age 10

  (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
       - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


*   HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?*

  (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at  the same kids.
        - Derrick, age 8


*   WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?*

  (1) Both don't want any more kids.
        - Lori, age 8


*   WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?*

  (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
        - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

  (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
        - Martin, age 10  (Who said boys don't have brains?)


*   WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?*

  (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
        -Craig, age 9


*   WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?*

  (1) When they're rich.
        - Pam, age 7  (I could not have said it better myself)

  (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
        - Curt, age 7   (Good Point)

  (3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
        - Howard, age 8  (Who made the rule?)


*   IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?*

   It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
        - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


*   HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?*

  (1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
        - Kelvin, age 8

  And the #1 Favourite is........


*   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?*

  (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
       - Ricky, age 10    ( The boy already understands)


----------



## Hertz van Rental

A young man runs up to the bar at a pub. The publican takes note and ambles over.
"Yes, sir?"
"A glass of water and make it quick!"
The landlord looks at him but gets him the glass of water. Grabbing it the young man runs off but is back in less than a minute.
"What can I get you now, sir?" asks the publican.
"A glass of water and hurry it up."
The landlord scowls at him but passes him another glass of water and the man runs off with it.
A minute later he's back.
"A glass of water and make it quick!" he shouts.
But the landlord isn't having it. He looks the man up and down with that particular look landlords reserve for bad customers.
"Now just you hold on. You've already had two glasses of water. This is a pub and that means it sells drinks. I'm not in business to give you free glasses of water. If you're not going to buy a drink you can sod off."
At which point a second young man comes up, grabs the first and says:







"Forget it, Bill. Don't tell the miserable bugger his pub's on fire."


----------



## Antarctican

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.​ 
He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY!​ 
The old lady figured&#8212;&#8220;What the heck&#8221;, she hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog and put him in the car. ​ 
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." The old lady figured &#8220;what the heck&#8221;, and kissed the frog. Who immediately turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.​ 
The prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady turned into?​ 
COME ON.... GUESS! ​ 








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON ​ 






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.


----------



## Fangman

An Irish Story


 She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset. 
You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

 And Paddy (the husband) replied: "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least Ican tell you what happened."

 Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

 And Paddy began: Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
 So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. Also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."

 Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued: She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 

'"Please.........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? 


Well I could not lie to the poor thing.


----------



## Fangman

A teacher asks her class, "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. 
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." 
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." 
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like your thinking." 

LITTLE TONY ON MATH Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father? 
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6",  replies TONY."
But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" 
"What's the ****in difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!" 

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." 

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" 

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'" 

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." 
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" 
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f***in business.


----------



## Hertz van Rental

Reminds me of the Irish guy who always wore a condom when he went fishing because he didn't want to catch Moby Dick.


----------



## paranoidandroid13

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"  The girl said, "NO!!"  And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.  THE END


----------



## Orrin

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred  young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters,
whose job it was to  fertilize the eggs (for city folks). 

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his 
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. 

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster
was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. 

But on this  particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover. 

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges. 

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell
Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as
well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.


----------



## Antarctican

A redneck is walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the redneck answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!'


----------



## ram018

hehehehe cute jokes guys


----------



## lostprophet

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."


----------



## Buszaj

3 guys become stranded on an island, and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the tribe says that he will let them go if they each go into the forest and find ten pieces of fruit and insert it into their buttocks, without showing any emotion. The first man comes back with raspberries, on the 6th one he flinches, so he dies. The second one comes back with blueberries, he is on his tenth one but laughs, so he is killed. The first man meets the second man in heaven, and asks him why he laughed. He replies, "I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


----------



## lostprophet

A cowboy walks into a German car dealership.

He looks around, walks up to the salesman, touches the brim of his stetson hat and says...




















































 "Audi"


----------



## Hertz van Rental

I don't get it. Why would an American want to buy a German car. Doesn't make sense.


----------



## lostprophet

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?




 Tennish


----------



## lostprophet

A dog walks into a post-office, joins the queue. 

When he gets to the cashier, he says "Hello, I'd like to send a telegram please." 

The cashier, mildly startled to be addressed by a dog, says "Uh, certainly. What message would you like to send?"

The dog says "Here is the message: Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof, woof. Woof." 

The cashier, half-sarcastically, says to the dog "You haven't quite reached the character-limit. Would you like to add an extra 'woof'?" 

The dog replies "Don't be daft, that wouldn't make any sense!"


----------



## Hertz van Rental

I get it. You're poking fun at dumb animals and people with funny accents.


----------



## lostprophet

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders. 

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket. 

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild! 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."


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## Antarctican

:shock:


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## lostprophet

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.


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## Antarctican

:lmao:


And gobsmacked (love that word!)


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## lostprophet

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. 

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" 

And lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. 

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. 

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. 

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 
"Where's Christian?" he asked. 

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, 
"No way man, you'll eat me.  You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." 

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."......... 



























"I've found Cod.  I'm a Prawn again Christian".


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## lostprophet

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. 

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. 

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.


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## LaFoto

Two statues, one male and one female, had guarded the door of a church for centuries so one day God decided to give them a special gift. 

"You've been such examplary statues, that I'll bring you to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want", he said.

The statues looked at each other shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which then emerged a good deal of giggling and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, they returned, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen minutes", said God, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,

"Great!
But this time *you* hold the pigeon and *I*'ll crap on its head".


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## lostprophet

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.



Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious


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## lostprophet

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. 
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?" 

Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. 

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?" 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. 

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much"


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## Antarctican

Man's best friend... 

A dog is truly a man's best friend. 
If you don't believe it, just try this simple experiment. 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?!


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## Seefutlung

*Tree Hugging*





While walking through *Golden Gate **Park **in **San Francisco*, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you? "He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "_This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake_..."


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## LaFoto

When he forgot his wedding anniversary, a husband found himself in very big trouble. There were some heated words, and then only ice cold silence.

Before retiring for the night, his wife broke the silence and firmly told him: "Tomorrow you better have something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 3 seconds flat!".

When the wife looked out of the window the next morning, she found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found...
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
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.
a brand new set of bathroom scales.


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## doenoe

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freaking train!'


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## BoblyBill

doenoe said:


> Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
> Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
> The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
> Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freaking train!'


 

LOL, Touche


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## lostprophet

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he is allowed to say two words every seven years. 

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. 

They nod and send him away. 

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away. 

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

"Thats not surprising," the elders say, "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here


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## NoteGraphics

Q. What's Red and sits in a corner ?



A. A very naughty London Bus.


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## Battou

Darnit...I was looking for this thread earlier....

---------------------------------------------------------------------


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howd you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."


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## lostprophet

Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."


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## Senor Hound

A guy is on an airplane and sits next to a woman.  About five minutes later the woman sneezes...

"Achoo, OH GOD YES!!!"

Another five minutes or so passes...

"Achoo, OH MY GOD THAT FEELS SO GOOD!"

Confused, the guy asks the woman what's going on.

"Well its kind of embarrassing, but every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The guy responds, "Well that's interesting!  Is there anything you can take for it?"

"Absolutely!" the woman says, "I take lots and lots of ragweed..."


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## lostprophet

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. 
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. 

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak." 

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." 

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" 

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


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## doenoe

I was having trouble with my computer.  So I
called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.  Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.   
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'  I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?  What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'   Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'  No,' I replied.   'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' 

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T.   I used to like the little ****.


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## Corry

LOL!  Love it, Daan!


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## clarinetJWD

doenoe said:


> I was having trouble with my computer.  So I
> called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.  Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'  I didn't want to appear stupid, but
> nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?  What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'   Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'  &#8216;No,' I replied.   'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
> 
> So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T.   I used to like the little ****.



Also known as "PEBCAK" errors.
 (Problem exists between chair and keyboard)


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## mrodgers

Hmm, ID Ten T error....

We get these errors all the time at work on the machines any time someone opens up one of the DumbF*** valves.


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## lostprophet

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.


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## clarinetJWD

lostprophet said:


> I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
> It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.



:lmao::lmao::lmao:
Wow...chemistry jokes...

On a related note, I once had the wonderful experience of being slowly turned into soap by some strong alkaline...(Can't remember which it was)

I solved that one with a nice large helping of lemons.


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## Enough Already

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
  She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other
  kids are  running around having fun.
  She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
  'You ok?' she says.
  'Yes.' he says.
  'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
  'It's best I stay here.'he says. '
  'Why?' says the blonde.
  The boy says: 'Because, I'm the f^?*ing goalie'


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## Don Kondra

A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays
his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher


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## ferny

I was on the plane coming home when the stewardess came over to me and said, "Would you care for an orange juice?"
"Sure," I replied. "If it really needed me."


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## Antarctican

A group of five-year old students were learning to read. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...


" A f r i c a n Elephant "

[Aren't phonics, and learning to sound out the words, just wonderful? :lmao: ]


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