Funny Stuff

[Jme]

Ok, let me know If I start getting on your nerves b/c I live off stupid jokes I would die w/o my laughs! Ok, consider this the funnies column and post anything that can make anybody laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine!

Jme


Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Chase]

You won't be getting on my nerves with these, I need the entertainment while I'm in the office!

Besides, that is what the "Off Topic" forum is here for!!!!

Chase

i agree! bring it on my man!

md

[Jme]

For all the blondes out there, just read it as brunette.


Question:
Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

Answer:
Because it said, "Sorry, try again."

********************

Question:
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Answer:
Wave!

[Jme]

Alligators

The South Carolina State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Horry and Georgetown Counties

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

************************************************** *****
Laughter is the best medicine

Jme

[Darfion]

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. James, the class
swot,
gets up and says, "last year I got the measles and my mum said it was
contagious". Well done James" says the teacher, "can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says "my grandma says there's a
bug going around, and its contagious" "Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
door
neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it
will take the contagious"

I'll get me coat!

[deportfred]

Check out
www.engrish.com

[Darfion]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me, feeds me great food and takes good care of me"

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me, brushes me down and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a f*****g liar"

[ferny]

Quote: Originally Posted by Darfion

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. James, the class
swot,
gets up and says, "last year I got the measles and my mum said it was
contagious". Well done James" says the teacher, "can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says "my grandma says there's a
bug going around, and its contagious" "Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
door
neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it
will take the contagious"

I'll get me coat!

[lostprophet]

so that took you about 5 years to get that joke then did it Mr Fern?